Thursday, March 31, 2011

I must need excitement in my life. Who knew?

Last night at therapy, we talked about a few things.  My assignment from the previous week, which I did not fully complete, was to make a list of fun, exciting things I wanted to do.  It could be anything.  Crazy, fun, different, whatever.  We speculated that as I've settled into a fairly routine lifestyle, that maybe I'm craving some excitement, some rebellion, some crazy fun.  And what I've turned to is food, because it's easy and available.  And I can sneak it, which meets my rebellious need pretty well.  She asked me about stuff I like to do for fun, what makes me all giddy inside.  I thought and thought. 

I thought of a few things that I used to do, or that I really like to do, or that I'd like to do:
  • Rollercoasters!  Wheeeee!
  • Musicals.  I love musicals a ridiculous amount.  Ridiculous.
  • Dancing.  I love to go dancing with my friends.  I never do this anymore, save a random wedding dance, which never happens anymore because almost all my friends are married now.
  • Bungee Jumping!  Again, Wheeeeeeeeeee!  (I've never done this, but totally want to.)
  • Dye my hair a funky color.  At least part of it.  Like purple highlights.  I have no idea why I want to do this.  I just do.
  • Get my nose pierced.  Or, god forbid I ever get to a weight where I am comfortable with my tummy showing, I'd get my belly button pierced.  Slutty?  I dont' care!
  • Get together with friends.  Often. 
  • Pole Dancing class.  What the hell?  Why not?  I like to dance, and I have boobs.  So surely I can pole dance.
  • Take a Bob Ross painting class.  I'd like to make Happy Little Trees ™.  Who wouldn't? 
  • Swim in the ocean.  Now I realize this isn't going to happen a lot in Colorado. But maybe a good substitute would be going to the Res to swim?  I like to hang out outside, play games, play in the water, etc.  I'm going to have to work this in this summer.  Fo shizzle. 
  • To be determined...  I'm going to be thinking about this all week.  I think I miss being silly and ridiculous.  I've always been that way.  A lot.  But as I settle into my buttoned up HR job I think the fun gets squished right out of me.  We are a pretty straight laced group.  I need to let my god damned hair down more.  
Tomorrow I'll post about the rest of therapy.  We have started creating a tool box.  This tool box (metaphorical right now, but maybe I'll bedazzle up a box and put shit in it for reals) is designed to give me other things to fall back on when I'm feeling that desire to overeat or binge.  When I'm seeing the advantages to the binge eating, I want to replace or eliminate the advantage.  The tools in my box (ha!) will hopefully allow me to find something else to do, besides eat a bag of doritos.  We came up with some good ones, and the other part of my homework this week is to think or more tools for my box (ha!).  

As a side note, tonight I skyped with my mama (happy birthday, mom!), sister in law Julie, and my sweet niece Raegan.  It was super fun!  I miss my sweet girl.  She's growing and changing, and I'm missing it.  It sucks.  I've been lucky with my other two nieces, because they live really close and I see them a lot.  I saw them nearly every week when they were little, so I got to see all the fun stuff and be part of it.  Miss Raegan can say "Hi Aunt Courtney" very clearly now, and my heart just seriously puffs up with love when I hear it.  Tonight she was wearing a sequined pink flapper dress with a pink sparkly crown and blue cowboy boots.  I love that girl so much I hardly know what to do with myself.  She's a perfect combination of her sweet hearted mama and my smart-assed tough guy little brother.  I miss her (and my family) so much that I'm all teary eyed typing this.  

All of this is to say that when I got off my skype call, I very clearly felt the urge to eat.  Like, even tho I'd finished supper about an hour and a half before that, I wanted to eat.  And I didn't want a friggin banana.  I wanted chips.  Or cookies.  Or a bag of something.  Fortunately for me, not only do I not have any of the aforementioned things at the house, but I also recognized this desire for what it was.  Eating to mask sadness.  And sadness might not even be the right word for the emotion.  But the longing to be where my family was, to be running around with my sweet girl playing dress up, and to be with my mama on her birthday.  I'm actually super happy I got to see them all tonight via skype.  I truly love technology!  But it's a bittersweet sort of thing, because I'm still eight hours away and it's two months before I have a trip planned home.  

So instead of shoveling food in my mouth, I took a few deep breaths, and acknowledged how I was feeling.  Then I got online to finish this blog post.  Writing about it seems to help me get it OUT.  If I can get it OUT, it seems better.  So I think today is a win, even tho I'm all weepy right now.  


  1. Boredom and longing lead to overeating, yes yes yes. Stress would be the third common cause. An unholy trinity!
    I love the toolbox idea. If you actually make one, what would it contain? Notes written on paper, "take a class" or "call your nieces?" Or would it be symbolic stuff, like a plastic play-phone?
    Sounds like you have a great counselor.

  2. I'm not sure... It might contain stuff like nail poilsh. Something to do when I'm dealing with a "self-care" type issue. Or an iTunes card, to order some fun music when I'm bored, etc...

    But if I make a toolbox, it's going to be ridiculously bright colored and super fun :)