Warrior Lessons

I did the Warrior Dash today in KC.

Oh my, did I ever have lessons to take away from this puppy.

First, I learned that I am not a fan of heat, humidity and hills.  The three Hs of Hell.  Frickin' A.  I never run outside in the heat, and we just don't have humidity in Colorado.  And in order to find a hill to train on, I have to actually drive.into.the.mountains.  Needless to say, this wasn't my greatest performance.  But in reality, I wasn't trying to set any land speed records.  I had some moments of doubt about even finishing, due to feeling pretty nauseous and fainty.  But that was close to the end, so I finished.  The best part, hands down, was the ending mud pit.  It was cool, compared to the oppressive heat.  Plus, I mean, who doesn't love to get filthy?

Me (on the right) and my soulmate Bobbi Jo, the aftermath

Second, I learned that I am doing the comparison thing in my head NON-STOP.  I couldn't seem to stop the annoying conversation in my head.  Am I fatter than that girl?  I look like a giant lardo compared to the two other girls I'm running with.  Do I look like that?  Why can't I look like THAT?

Third, I learned that nothing, and I mean nothing, feels as good as that shower did today.  Holy moly was I dirty.  It took some major scrubbing to get my feet clean.

Fourth, I learned that this was hard.  Way harder than I expected.  What this means is that I will not get talked into a much longer version of this sort of thing by my crazy-ass brother.  No f-ing way.

My crazy-ass brother, bravehearting it

Fifth, I learned that I want to do more races with my brother.  Even tho he runs nearly literally twice as fast as me.  It's just a fun bonding experience.

Ok, I'm off to try and not over-analyze all the pics, to determine how terrible I look.  :D

Must be present to win

I just bought this necklace from Lulu Bug Jewelry on Etsy.

I love it.  It speaks to me.  I've really been failing at being present lately.  I was out searching the interwebs for ideas for my next tattoo, something that I can see that reminds me to STOP and be in the moment.  Be present.  To win.  While this is only a necklace, it makes me all happy on the inside.  I'm still in search of my tattoo, but this will hold me over for a bit until I settle on the right thing.

I'm relieved to be seeing my therapist again on Wednesday.  I'm IN NEED.  In need of refocusing, refreshing, maybe some confessing, definitely some reflection, and some evaluation.  I look forward to the feeling I get when I leave there, of hope, of lightness, and of being ok.

I've been struggling, without a doubt.  I'm eating too much, too often, and making unstellar choices.  I'm tracking my food intake again, simply because I'm eating too much.  Not a ton of binge eating, although it has not been completely absent.  But mindless eating.  Not present eating.  Awareness is helpful to me, and tracking can kind of help me with that.  As I've been tracking the last few days, I've realized how I let the days get away from me, food wise.  And there is a part of each day that I can identify as a part that was eating for a reason other than hunger:  boredom, anxiety, procrastination, sadness, nervousness, and frustration.  The log is actually helpful in identifying some of this after the fact.

How should I be wrapping up blog posts?  I always feel like they stop abruptly!  I need to work on this!

Hellllllllllllllooooooooooooooooo?

So, I've, ahem, been absent a bit.  Life, right? 

There has been lots going on in my little world.  My therapist was on vacation, and then I was gone, so I haven't been in three weeks!  It will be nice to talk to her again next week.  I have had ups and downs over the last three weeks, for sure.  What has been crystal clear to me during this time is how much more aware of my mental state than I used to be. Some examples...

So this past weekend I went to Washington DC with my amazing sister in law and my niece (R).  R was born with a vascular disorder called CMTC, which is very rare and can range from entirely cosmetic to seriously debilitating.  There are only about 100 (I think) diagnosed cases in the WORLD.  The doctors who have begun really working on this, researching the genetics, etc are based in The Netherlands.  They come to America once a year for a conference, and so that the kids who have this disorder can be seen by the doctor.  For the past two summers, my brother & SIL have taken her there, and it has been immensely helpful to them.  This year, my brother could not go (because of an Army thing) so they asked me to go in his place.  Of course, I was beyond thrilled to go, to be able to help, and to get to spend quality time with my girl.

So last Thursday, I flew to Wichita.  The plan was for me to pick R up from daycare and then hang out with her until her mama got home from work, and my brother got home from the business trip he was on.  Off I went to get her at daycare.  When I got there, she saw me at the door and came running over, all excited, saying "Aunt Corty!" over and over.  My heart melted.  Again.  This kid.  I swear, she gets me.  So I swooped her up and we took off to hang out for the afternoon.  We stopped at Daddy's Store (QuickTrip) to get her a Pink (watermelon slushie) and she told me all about not touching The Hot (the racks of hot dogs, which are hot) and how Daddy drinks coffee, but she doesn't.  And I shouldn't.  And Mama doesn't.  :D 

R was super excited to take me to her house, where she promptly stripped down to her pull-up and started putting on dress up clothes.  After I talked her into going potty, she changed into her Dora panties.  And that is pretty much all she wore until she put her jammies on that night.  :D  Oh, and sometimes a veil or skirt from the dress up box.  We watched some Disney, played, ran around the basement screaming our fool heads off (me with a bright gold skirt on my head, kind of like hair) until her Mama got home.  Then Mama joined us with a black & blue skirt on her head. 

I seriously can't even put into words how lucky I am to have this kid in my life.  She and I had such fun.  She says so many new words, and I swear she learns new ones every day. 

The rest of the weekend was a whirlwind of traveling, which can be tricky with a two year old, as you might imagine.  She did so well on the planes and in the airport.  The next day was the conference, and she saw the CMTC doctor.  Thankfully, he feels like her case is mild and will likely be only cosmetic.  I could have kissed that man.  After lunch, R and I tried to nap up in our hotel room (I kind of drifted off while we watched The Little Mermaid, but R wanted no part of napping).  Then we went to the pool.  Twice.

Why twice, you ask?  Well... 

Trip #1:  We get all dressed in our suits, and hers has floaty things in it, so that she will float.  Pretty much the cutest thing I've ever seen.  I carry her down there, and we get in by the stairs.  She does good for a bit, until she decides that she doesn't want me to help her, touch her, anything.  "I do it!"  "I got it!" amidst many, many tears.  Or course, being the responsible adult, I could not just let go of her in the pool, so I had to set her on the side, where she put her head down on the ground and CRIED and CRIED.  And then I cried, because apparently I cannot help it.  :D  I tried to comfort her, and eventually picked her up to go back up to the room.  Thankfully we were the only ones in the pool area. 

We get back to the room, and she is still sobbing.  You know that kind of sobbing where you have to really catch your breath....  She then says "Swimming Pool!" and wants to go back.  I'm like no fucking way (in my head).  So I suggest we try to lay down, watch a movie, potty, play in the bathtub, anything else.  Nope.  Not interested!  So I decided to take a different angle...   I talked to her about how if we went back, she had to let me help her and hold her hand, because I didn't want her to get hurt.  We talked a bit, and she calmed down, so we headed back to the pool.

Trip #2:  This went much better.  She jumped in to me from the side, made friends with another little girl, and we stayed there for quite a while.  We sang Ring Around the Rosy many times and, and the other little girl shared her Little Mermaid toys with R, so it was much, much better.  Her Mama joined us, and the three of us had a grand old time.  We all left without tears this time.  WINNER! 

So every time we talked about when we got home and I had to go back to Colorado, I got all frickin' teary.  I must have cried a dozen times while I was there, about not being near them, about worrying for R and my brother, about blah blah blah blah.  Sheesh.  I'm a damn wreck.

But all in all, I had a super fabulous time, and I am really glad I got to hang out with R.  It's so important to me that I be a big part of her life, and getting to do stuff like this matters SO much.

Creative ADD

So, I don't mean to make light of ADD.  Honest.  But sometimes I feel like I have Creative ADD.  I want to do so many things.  I want to learn how to do graphic design, how to design websites, how to make cool jewelry out of stuff like this, make 8 zillion different bags, make art to hang on the walls, etc...   Sometimes I just sit on the bed in my guest room, which is constantly covered with piles of fabric (until I have a guest, then I reluctantly stuff it in the closet), and I look at them, put them together, trying to imagine how they will look together in a bag, or a skirt, or hung on the wall in some pretty way.  I move it all around, wander from room to room, picking up fabrics that are still on my dining room table (my fabric cutting table), taking them into my sewing/guest room, moving it all around again...  over and over.

Sometimes I feel like get paralyzed by my creative ADD.  Like, there is so much I want to do, and so many different colors to put together, in so many ways, and I just can't pick one to do.

I have a bag mostly cut out right now, and I have 8 orders pending...  I'm waiting on some fabrics for all of them (mail = super fun!), so I can't really do anything on them, but I want to, but I can't, and instead I want to put a bag together for me (a shoulder sling).

I put my website up yesterday (Wyrillco Creations) and since then I've had 5 orders!!  Holy crapinoly.

Ambivalent. Blah. Completely unexcited about anything.

That's pretty much how I've been feeling the last couple days.  *Sigh*  I literally sighed one of those woe-is-me sighs when I typed that.

I gotta snap myself out of this funk.  It's affecting multiple areas of my life, including my relationship.  Yesterday my hubby said I was being non-responsive, and I really didn't see it...  I don't think he's making it up, so I suspect that non-responsive is probably accurate.  That doesn't mean I am sitting around like a zombie, just that I'm not myself.  Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I'm pretty bouncy, annoyingly upbeat, and a chatter box.  Not lately, I guess.

The funk, well, it hasn't been good for anything as far as I can tell.

What do you do to get out of a funk?

I think some of this stems from my severe lack of interest in my job.  I'm applying for other jobs, but I am  either doing a crappy job of showing what I do, and can do, or I'm not very marketable.  Which is pretty much the most depressing thing in a long time.  GAH.

Seriously, I need to knock this Poor-Me bullshit off.  It's getting old!