Tuesday, June 28, 2011

It's so frickin' dark in my house.

The obvious solution is to turn on lights.  But I'm all ANXIOUS and FIDGETY right now and I'm more than a tiny bit afraid to get up, because I feel like I'll be stuffing food in my mouth if I do!!  Right now I'm "safe" here on the couch covered up in a blanket, tucked in with my laptop.

I used my therapist's trick of working backwards to figure out what's got me all a'twitter.  I didn't eat enough during the day (unconsciously trying to be "good" for reasons I'll talk about in a second) and was fucking ravenous when I got home.  So we opted for a frozen pizza, right at the intersection of tasty & fast.

And can I just rant for a bit about how much I don't like yogurt, but really want to?  GAH.  I keep buying the shit, thinking I'll eat it for a filling snack in the afternoon, and then I open up my cute little purple insulated lunch sack and stare in at my fancy lemon chobani and think "Meh" and instead eat a fucking roll of lifesavers?  REALLY???

The lifesavers were not in my cute little purple insulated lunch sack, mind you.  They were on the breakroom table. Free candy is not a battle I win often.

For the record, I'm writing my way thru this anxiety wave right now.  It will subside.  Or so they tell me.

So I have been unconciously trying to be good.  At least that is my deduction, based on my behaviors today.  I didn't eat enough today.  Then I got the big fat hunger binge.  We are running a weight-loss challenge at work.  And by WE, I mean ME.  PressurePressurePressurePressure.  Lots of negative talk about weight and appearance and stuff like that.  It's eating away at my brain!!  Like a god damned zombie.  So, my job = a zombie.  I knew it.

Oh, and my hubby just came upstairs and turned on a light for me.  This is why I love him.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Mystery solved.

I was unsure what was going on for me the last few days.  I went to therapy last night, and we used a really simple technique of walking backwards from the binges to figure it out.  And lo & behold, I was able to CLEARLY see at least a part of what was going on.

It is amazing to me how easy it was to see what was going on when we walked thru it like that.  I was all "Oh, well that does make sense..."  D'oh!  I'd identified a tiny piece of one of the mindless eating sessions (it wasn't necessarily a binge, but probably only because what I was eating only came in a pack of two, instead of a bag-ful) as being a Check-Out binge, because as I was licking the chocolate off the Reese's PB Cup wrapper, it was like I almost woke up out of a bit of a fog.  I thought "Oh shit, I just did that."  If I had figured out what was going on about three minutes sooner, I could have avoided it, but alas, I'm a work in progress.

Talking about this stuff, saying it out loud...  it's amazing how much better I felt last night when I left my therapy appointment.  My therapist is going on a two week vacation at the end of the month, and I had asked her if she had any ideas of some things I could read while she's gone, so I can stay focused.  She asked me what kind of thing I thought I might like to read, and then gave me some examples.  Some people like memoirs of people in recovery, others like metaphorical stuff.  I'm definitely in the memoir camp, but she gave me an example of some of the metaphorical stuff, and it rang SO true...  A woman had described her eating disorder as a river, raging away, taking her down a path she didn't want to go, out of control...  and she equated her therapist to the rock she was clinging to in order to NOT GO down that path.  Um, yeah.  That is pretty accurate!  While I didn't physically accost my therapist with a hug in that moment, I can't say that the desire wasn't there.  I'm an odd duck, I know.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Ups and Downs.

Last week = Up.

Last couple days = Down.

I'm not sure why.  I need to give this some thought before I go to therapy tomorrow night.  Two days in a row with lovely binges.  Good times.  My tummy literally hurts right now.  Why, oh why, do I do this?

I'm disturbed by some stuff right now, around body image, mostly.  I'm also up a few pounds, and right now I feel particularly crappy about myself.

Ah, well.  It's time to get to bed.  Better days ahead, I'm just sure of it.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Kind of amazing, really.

Last night was therapy again.  I'm amazed at the things that I realize while I'm sitting there on that couch.  Crazy.

So we started out our conversation like normal...  How was the past week?  The night before I'd been thinking about how not-bad it had been.  I had that evening of homesickness, where I literally told myself to ride the wave of emotions.  And aside from that, it has been a really non-obsessy week.  And even then, when I was sad and anxious, I recognized the feelings and the desire to eat to make them go away.

It is empowering to reflect and see how far I've come.  EMPOWERING.  I have known I was making some progress for a while, but it's really hard to gauge when you are in the middle of it.  But as we talked last night, I told her how little I'd worried about food, aside from what I imagine is normal...  What's for dinner tonight?  Do I have enough granola bars to pack lunches this week?  OH YUM, CHERRIES!  But all of that felt non-invasive and it didn't threaten to take over the sane part of my brain.

As I was telling her this, I then mentioned that this past week I had really come to some revelations.  I realized I truly do want to quit my day job and do something, anything, creative.  I want to make my bag business more successful.  I want to take classes to learn more graphic design and more web design.  I want to take these things that are my God-given gifts and DO SOMETHING with them.  If I could find a way to make a living doing this sort of thing, I would be so frickin' ecstatic.  That's not to say that any career is going to be perfect and completely devoid of boring, stupid stuff.  Of course not.  Even I am not so Pollyanna Sunshine that I think that.  And I hear that I'm quite the Pollyana!  :D

But if I were to change my day job from something that sometimes allows me to do something quasi creative about 30% of the time (MAX) to something that was only 30% bullshit, how amazing would that be?

Anyhoo, I digress.  After I talked about all of this, she asked me if I thought it was a coincidence that during a week where food did not preoccupy my mind all the time, I was having some big realizations, and that I was seeing things like this.  It was like I was struck dumb.  I'm like "Oh.  Huh.  How about that?"  So after I regained my powers of speech (don't worry, it never takes long) we talked about how one good week does not mean that they will all be this way...  I know she doesn't want me to set myself up for disappointment if I have a meltdown or binge my face off in the near (or distant) future.  We talked about taking steps forward, and how often they require some steps back to really GET things.  And that is ok.  Really and truly ok.

Amazing, huh?  When I cleared some shit out of my head, I was able to do something more productive and positive.  Who'd a thunk it?

Oh, and prepare yourself for another soap-box type rant tomorrow.  I'm all mellow right now, so I don't want to work myself up before bed.  But a rant, she's a comin'.  I'm going to talk about how we, as women, spend a lot of time tearing each other down, and how it's GOT TO STOP.

Seriously.  Tomorrow.  I gotta stop already or I'll be all "And then...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" to my poor DH as I go on and on about this while we lay in bed.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

I want to quit my day job.

Seriously.  I reallllllllly want to quit.  Not because I hate it (it's ok, it pays the bills, and I really dig about 40% of it).  But because I badly want to be my own boss, make my own schedule, and do something creative.

Back when I was in Jr. High and High School, the teachers were always having us take aptitude tests.  They were supposed to help you figure out what to be when you grow up.  Without fail, mine all said I should be a graphic designer (or something similar) or a lawyer.  An odd coupling, you might think.  But I'm ultra creative and I like to argue.  So if you know me, those make sense!  I'm starting to look back at those silly aptitude tests and wonder if they weren't righter (I'm just sure that is a word) than I thought.  While I'm definitely not jonesing for 3 years of law school anymore, my heart is crying out to do something creative for a job.

Over the last week, I had some breathing room at work.  What that means is that the day to day bullshit slowed down enough at times that I got to work on the part of my job I love.  That would be Wellness, which has been a passion of mine since I lost weight about 7 years ago.  But on top of the passion for the SUBJECT, I also get to create.  I come up with new ideas for programs, and within the programs I get to design flyers, materials, and write up what are hopefully light hearted, fun messages about our programs.  This past week I've been working on a packet of materials for our upcoming weight loss/maintenance challenge.   To do this, I not only create the curriculum for the 10 week challenge, with a different topic or focus each week, but I get to layout the pages of this packet.  That means finding fun fonts, creating a logo for the challenge, designing the pages, etc.

As I've been doing this, I have been having fun at work.  I am excited about what I'm doing!  And it makes me want to set all the other shit on my desk on fire and never look back.  As I've been whining about my job to my hubby, he has commented that I should figure out what tools and skills I would need to pursue doing more creative work, which I can certainly find a way to incorporate into my job...  but also that I can use to help me start building ideas around what I could do instead of my current day job.  Could I do some design work, somewhere?  Maybe.  Could I design webpages?  Maybe.  One thing I am 100% certain of is that I am good at this stuff.  As I've mentioned before, color is such an important piece of my life.  I am always looking for ways to brighten things (from my walls, to my clothes, to my bags, to my fingernail polish) up in my life.  There HAS to be a way to turn this into a job that is not boring and stupid.

On top of the visual creativity I get to use in this project, I'm also getting to be creative in providing information to our challenge participants.  I am web searching, finding links, graphics, ideas, facts, etc to give the challenge a fun flair, and to provide different or new ideas to people.  I really like doing this.

I simply MUST find a way to change my career.

On a very related note, I did all the paperwork and paid the fees to set up Wyrillco Creations as a Limited Liability Company (LLC).  So I am going to get a little more serious about that.  Could I be the next Amy Butler?  Who knows, but I can't do it if I continue to treat this thing I do as a silly hobby.  I have to use my head and figure out how to take advantage of the tax perks offered to businesses, and settle on better pricing structures, and keep better track of things.  Kind of exciting, no?

Friday, June 3, 2011

Riding the wave

In therapy, we've talked a lot about riding the wave of anxiety/sadness/whatever out until it is no longer cresting... If I can just convince myself that it will go back down, I can get thru that moment without stuffing something in my mouth to make it go away.  Tonight I actually said, out loud to myself "Just ride the wave."

Totally cheesy, but it seems to have helped.  I'm writing this instead of working my way thru the bag of chocolate chips that are practically SCREAMING at me from the pantry.

So, I had a fabulous weekend at home with my family over Memorial Day.  Which is super happy and fun.  But now, they are so far away again!  It took all of 4 days to get homesick!  What the hell is wrong with me??!