I must need excitement in my life. Who knew?

Last night at therapy, we talked about a few things.  My assignment from the previous week, which I did not fully complete, was to make a list of fun, exciting things I wanted to do.  It could be anything.  Crazy, fun, different, whatever.  We speculated that as I've settled into a fairly routine lifestyle, that maybe I'm craving some excitement, some rebellion, some crazy fun.  And what I've turned to is food, because it's easy and available.  And I can sneak it, which meets my rebellious need pretty well.  She asked me about stuff I like to do for fun, what makes me all giddy inside.  I thought and thought. 

I thought of a few things that I used to do, or that I really like to do, or that I'd like to do:

• Rollercoasters!  Wheeeee!
• Musicals.  I love musicals a ridiculous amount.  Ridiculous.
• Dancing.  I love to go dancing with my friends.  I never do this anymore, save a random wedding dance, which never happens anymore because almost all my friends are married now.
• Bungee Jumping!  Again, Wheeeeeeeeeee!  (I've never done this, but totally want to.)
• Dye my hair a funky color.  At least part of it.  Like purple highlights.  I have no idea why I want to do this.  I just do.
• Get my nose pierced.  Or, god forbid I ever get to a weight where I am comfortable with my tummy showing, I'd get my belly button pierced.  Slutty?  I dont' care!
• Get together with friends.  Often. 
• Pole Dancing class.  What the hell?  Why not?  I like to dance, and I have boobs.  So surely I can pole dance.
• Take a Bob Ross painting class.  I'd like to make Happy Little Trees ™.  Who wouldn't? 
• Swim in the ocean.  Now I realize this isn't going to happen a lot in Colorado. But maybe a good substitute would be going to the Res to swim?  I like to hang out outside, play games, play in the water, etc.  I'm going to have to work this in this summer.  Fo shizzle. 
• To be determined...  I'm going to be thinking about this all week.  I think I miss being silly and ridiculous.  I've always been that way.  A lot.  But as I settle into my buttoned up HR job I think the fun gets squished right out of me.  We are a pretty straight laced group.  I need to let my god damned hair down more.  

Tomorrow I'll post about the rest of therapy.  We have started creating a tool box.  This tool box (metaphorical right now, but maybe I'll bedazzle up a box and put shit in it for reals) is designed to give me other things to fall back on when I'm feeling that desire to overeat or binge.  When I'm seeing the advantages to the binge eating, I want to replace or eliminate the advantage.  The tools in my box (ha!) will hopefully allow me to find something else to do, besides eat a bag of doritos.  We came up with some good ones, and the other part of my homework this week is to think or more tools for my box (ha!).  

As a side note, tonight I skyped with my mama (happy birthday, mom!), sister in law Julie, and my sweet niece Raegan.  It was super fun!  I miss my sweet girl.  She's growing and changing, and I'm missing it.  It sucks.  I've been lucky with my other two nieces, because they live really close and I see them a lot.  I saw them nearly every week when they were little, so I got to see all the fun stuff and be part of it.  Miss Raegan can say "Hi Aunt Courtney" very clearly now, and my heart just seriously puffs up with love when I hear it.  Tonight she was wearing a sequined pink flapper dress with a pink sparkly crown and blue cowboy boots.  I love that girl so much I hardly know what to do with myself.  She's a perfect combination of her sweet hearted mama and my smart-assed tough guy little brother.  I miss her (and my family) so much that I'm all teary eyed typing this.  

All of this is to say that when I got off my skype call, I very clearly felt the urge to eat.  Like, even tho I'd finished supper about an hour and a half before that, I wanted to eat.  And I didn't want a friggin banana.  I wanted chips.  Or cookies.  Or a bag of something.  Fortunately for me, not only do I not have any of the aforementioned things at the house, but I also recognized this desire for what it was.  Eating to mask sadness.  And sadness might not even be the right word for the emotion.  But the longing to be where my family was, to be running around with my sweet girl playing dress up, and to be with my mama on her birthday.  I'm actually super happy I got to see them all tonight via skype.  I truly love technology!  But it's a bittersweet sort of thing, because I'm still eight hours away and it's two months before I have a trip planned home.  

So instead of shoveling food in my mouth, I took a few deep breaths, and acknowledged how I was feeling.  Then I got online to finish this blog post.  Writing about it seems to help me get it OUT.  If I can get it OUT, it seems better.  So I think today is a win, even tho I'm all weepy right now.  

Dinner Do-over

Last night I popped in a frozen meal.  I did this thing called Suppers 'n A Snap a while ago.  (Side note, which side of the n should the ' go?)  Basically, we prepped freezer meals.  It was awesome.  It cost $59, and I got 5 different meals out of it, which really works out to about 16 meals for the two of us.  Woot!  Well, one of them was this chicken concoction (chicken in a sauce of ranch dressing, mustard, and brown sugar) that they assured me tasted good.  I was skeptical.  Turns out I'm the smart one here.  In an effort to Eat More Produce, I seasoned up some frozen diced butternut squash, and popped in in the oven as well. 

Well, the whole god damned thing was a disaster.  The squash was NASTY.  Squishy, weird texture, and icky flavor.  The chicken?  Weird.  I don't even have words to describe it.  Had there been something tasty paired with it, perhaps I could have drowned it in enough ketchup to make it edible.  But it was not to be.  So we hucked it all in the trash can and went to Chick Fil A.  :D  Which did not disappoint. 

In other news, I also got outside for a run last night before supper.  Go me!  It was just chilly enough that I was never hot while I was running.  I am beginning to wonder, however, if I don't have some exercise induced asthma.  I was super wheezy last night, couldn't stop with this annoying cough, and couldn't get a deep breath to save my life.  I get this off and on, and I have diagnosed myself with exercise induced asthma.  I'm going to see my doc to find out if an inhaler on hand is a good idea.  It even came back a bit this morning after Spin!  So no good.  I am not a fan of wheezing. 

I'm also supposed to be able to start doing stuff with my wrist, like putting pressure on it (like while doing a push-up) next week.  However, it doesn't feel good when I even push out of a chair on it, so I'm not sure it's ready.  I'm going to go see that doctor on Monday to see what he recommends.  I can't do Krav Maga or Crossfit until I can do weight bearing/impact stuff with my wrist.  If I'm going to do the Warrior Dash in July (did I tell you all about that yet?) I gotta be able to use my wrist! 

Tonight is therapy again.  I still need to do my homework!  I'll post more about that later on... 

If you are what you eat, I am ice cream.

*sigh*

It was my birthday this past weekend.  As part of that, I made myself an ice cream cake, because GOD DAMMIT it's only my birthday once per year. 

I definitely overate on it.  Like, it's all gone already.  I did eat *mostly* just that on some days.  Which I realize doesn't do me any favors either.  But the cake is gone, and while I certainly can't say I don't wish I had more, I am glad it's not taunting me from the freezer. 

I had some successes this weekend and some failures.  Ice cream cake = failure for the most part.  I mean, I didn't eat it all in one setting.  Random snacking while we had company (typically a real trigger for me) = success.  Silver lining, I suppose. 

Once again, I need to go grocery shopping.  When we get to this point, I feel like the only thing to eat is cheese and potatoes.  Apparently we rarely run out of those two items.  Like tonight, I have no idea what we are having for dinner.  Probably cheese and potatoes followed by a clementine or two.  Bonus points for at least having some fruit around :D  Planning is my downfall.  I don't have kids, so it's pretty easy to be a shitty planner.  The only real consequences are to me and my hubby.  And we are both perfectly capable of getting in the car to go to Subway if the options at our house SUCK. 

Goals for this week: 

• Meal plan.  Stat. 
• Go outside and run, for fuck's sake. 
• Eat more produce.  Like 5-7 servings a day.  For reals, yo.  Of course, that will mean I eat 10 clementines and a banana today. 
• Try to not beat myself up for the indiscretions over the weekend. 

Oh, wow.

Yesterday, during a moment of frustration at work, I recognized a thought pattern.  I caught myself thinking about how it would be nice if I had a bag of jelly beans to eat.  I was very much picturing a big bag, brightly colored, nummy nummy.  I was kind of surprised by this very specific thought.  Although, if I think about it, it's likely been what's running through my head, but I had no awareness of it.  Apparently writing down a list of "advantages" to binge eating, and talking about each of them, helped me see that I was seeking out comfort in the form of small sugary rainbow colored candies. 

I actually stopped what I was doing, and thought "Oh, Wow."  So that is probably good. 

I felt myself, all day, still desiring to eat in a way that doesn't serve me.  I did ok until I got home.  I had planned on making some sort of treat for the following day, to take to work as part of our staff meeting.  We have a "rule" where if your birthday is the one close to the meeting you may/should bring a treat in to share.  Totally a reasonable thing, and I had originally intended on making an angel food cake and serving it with whipped cream and strawberries.  But my motivation to bake an angel food cake at 7 pm was, well, not high.  I had everything on hand to make cookies, and I can whip those up fast.  So I did. 

I ate too much dough, and a few cookies.  Although, I did not do as poorly as I normally might.  I gotta be honest, my chocolate chip cookies are some of the greatest tasting things known to man, so I don't even have an issue with having SOME of the dough/cookies.  But when it became mindless, or habitual, I eventually identified it and did manage to stop.  However I paid the price for this.  My tummy hurt when I went to bed, and I woke up with that acid reflux/indigestion thing in the middle of the night!  I had to take tums to go back to sleep.  :( 

Tonight is my next session with my therapist, and I think we'll talk more about the list we made on Sunday. 

One of the other things we discussed as an "advantage" is self-care.  Originally I didn't think this was something I do.  When I think of someone who eats for self-care, I think of the overworked mom, who gets no time to herself, and who has to do every single thing, all the time.  That is not me.  No kids, married to someone who splits chores with me, when we get around to them...  doesn't really fit the mold I had in my head.  But then we talked a bit more, and it came up that in my job, I deal with people who are typically not at their best.  I always joke that no one ever comes to HR because they are happy.  They nearly always have a problem.  Their own injury/illness, that of a loved one, a loss of a loved one's job, etc...  It is my job to care, to listen, to help, to solve problems.  She speculated, and I agreed, that perhaps when I feel overwhelmed by all of this, I eat to kind of take care of ME, instead of focusing my efforts on others.  I really identified with this, because sometimes I feel super sad for people, and I wish there was something I could do to help them thru a time of crisis, or fix whatever the hell is wrong in their life.  Right now, especially, I know about a lot of employees and/or spouses going thru terrible medical issues, some of them very life threatening.  And it sucks.  I hate it for them.  And on top of that, I start to feel like everyone is sick, and it's a matter of time until I, or someone I love gets sick and dies.  And I already covered how that works out for me. 

Next up on the vast list of advantages (who knew there were so many?) is the idea of potentially losing my identity or sense of community around being someone who is eating to be healthy.  I focus A LOT on food.  I think about it all the time (I'm thinking about it right now because those damn cookies are out at our front desk, and it's the time of day where I get hungry and my energy bottoms out).  She mentioned that people with an eating disorder (it feels weird to think that, because I think of an eating disorder as being anorexia) spend vast amounts of time thinking about food.  Like 80% of their thoughts/time, or some ridiculous number.  "Normal" people, whomever they are, apparently think about it like 15% of the time.  We talked about how my DH, god love him, is not obsessed with food.  He can happily work away at something on the computer and forget to eat.  That has never, ever happened to me, in my whole entire life.  EVER.  The concept of eating randomly is super foreign to me.  So, the guise of talking about food, dieting, eating better, etc is something I do.  If I'm thinking about it all the time, it makes sense that I'd talk about it as well.  I've formed relationships in person and on-line thru commiserating about this sort of thing.  I have weight loss buddies.  These are comforting to me, clearly.  The thought of removing myself from these communities as a result of moving past this (I hope, I hope, I hope) can be scary. 

Then we talked about boredom.  I get bored easily.  I always have.  It's probably why I can't seem to stop going to school for SOMETHING.  I tear thru books at a crazy pace.  I read tons of stuff online.  When I get bored, I am fully aware of searching for something to snack or graze on.  It's something to do.  I think this one seems like an easy enough one to remedy, it's probably just a matter of resolving to break the habit.  When I'm bored, even when I have something else I should be doing, but maybe don't want to (laundry, anyone?) I eat.  This advantage gives me something to do to assuage the boredom and to procrastinate a task I don't want to do.  Winner winner, chicken dinner.

The next thing on the list is control/structure.  I think/hope we'll touch on this more tonight.  I also know that tonight we are going to talk about some tactics or tools I can use for social situations.  I have a social situation this weekend that will be challenging for me.  My birthday is Saturday (33, baby!) and we are having my in-laws over for dinner and cake & ice cream.  Having tons of food sitting out and around will be very difficult for me, and I want to figure out what I can do to combat the urges and the almost unconscious actions that follow (eating).  I'm hopeful.  :)

One Positive Thing Today

Today I'm going to focus on eating more fruits & veggies.  A total no-brainer.  But as I looked back on my food intake the last couple weeks, I was astounded at how lacking I was in these areas!!  No matter what other eating behaviors I have, I really need more produce in my life.  It's at least something I can do to nourish my body while I'm figuring out all the other crap. 

So today, that is my one positive thing.  I'm going to take steps to make this happen today.  I brought in some raw veggies to munch on, I'm going to fill my Subway sammich up with veggies, and I think we'll have spaghetti tonight.  Which shall include sauce (mmmmm) and some sauteed onions & peppers (in mine). 

So even if I stuff a box of cookies in my mouth (I do not currently have any cookies, nor do I have immediate plans to obtain any) I will have at least given my body some good, nutritious foods, too. 

What am I getting out of this?

I met with my therapist today.  We were originally scheduled for Thursday, but we had to move the appointment to today.  I had pretty much one of the worst weeks of eating ever.  Lots of jelly beans, Lofthouse cookies, home baked cookies, chocolate chips, etc.  Nothing good came of it.  I've gained a couple pounds, and I feel terrible about how I look and feel as a result.  So suffice it to say, I had a shit-ton of stuff to unload today.

First off, she reassured me that in this process, I should expect to have steps backwards.  Sometimes it might even feel like more steps backwards than forwards...  but it's an expected part of this process.  That did actually help.  I was already doing the negative self-talk, where I'm unhelpable, etc.

So we kind of dived into the WHY behind my eating behaviors.  I am getting something from these behaviors, or I wouldn't do them.  If they weren't serving me in some way, I would have stopped them a long time ago.  We wrote out a list, with advantages on one side (the stuff I'm getting from it) and disadvantages on the other.  We didn't touch on the disadvantages, because we both agreed those would be easy to identify.  We started on the advantage list...  I had a hard time getting started, because it's kind of hard to wrap my head around there being an advantage to these seemingly self-destructive behaviors.  So to get me started, she tossed out some things that she's learned about through her own journey to recovery, and by helping others.

First, I identified that stuff tastes good.  That was an obvious, easy one.  I never binge on carrots.  Or baked chicken.  Or rice.  You get the drift.  So we talked about this, and something I noticed earlier this week when I was shotgunning jelly beans:  I am drawn to things like jelly beans, M&Ms, skittles, etc.  I love looking down at a handful of colorful happiness.  I'm very drawn to color, and I shared with her that one of my greatest comforts, and favorite things to do, is to sit in my sewing room, surrounded by the fabrics I have picked out, and moving them around, pairing them up, enjoying the sight of colors.  It's relaxing, and it just flat out FEELS GOOD to me.  I noticed this when I looked down at a particularly colorful handful of jelly beans.  So a visually appealing, colorful bunch of sweet tiny objects apparently makes me happy for some reason.

Moving on from there, I told her that since the last time we'd met, I had started to think about the idea of not binge eating.  And because I tend to binge eat, or emotionally eat food that I really like, I definitely felt anxiety around the idea of not doing that.  I can't really explain it, because I desire, A LOT, to have a more normal relationship with food.  But the thought that I'd no longer do this, at some point, definitely made me feel anxious.  Which completely supports the fact that I'm getting something from these behaviors.  It's not like if I give up binge eating M&Ms that I will never eat them again.  It shouldn't have to be an all or nothing endeavor.

So then we really got into the heart of the matter.  She said many women eat to kind of just check out.  At first that didn't feel right to me (for myself) but as I talked a bit more, I heard myself saying words like "distraction" and "avoiding" so it became obvious that while I don't just zone out while I'm eating, I'm very much doing it to check out from certain feelings.  As we were talking about this, I could feel myself nearing tears.  She asked what it was about, and all this stuff came pouring out of my mouth, kind of to my surprise.  Anxiety around losing people I love, and how I worry, incessantly, and it is a hard thing to escape from.  I talked a bit about my past, which had a significant loss in it, and how this past year I very nearly lost my little brother.  I'm FUCKING TERRIFIED of losing the people I love.  There are many people whom I worry about, but the three that recur for me the most are my husband, my brother and my mom.  That doesn't mean I don't fear losing other people, but those three definitely crowd my thoughts.  It didn't help when my little brother nearly died.  The worry and anxiety is all consuming for me at times.  I can be doing something else entirely, and be overcome with it.  The worry is peppered with gratitude for the fact that I get to keep him in my life, but the worry never really goes.  I have told my hubby on more than one occasion, that I hope I die before him, because I can't even entertain the thought of how I'd cope with that.  And losing my mom would pretty much rip my heart out.  I don't know how to live in a world that doesn't have these three people in it.  So as I bawled my face off, this all came spilling out.  Apparently this bothers me from time to time.  When she asked me if I thought that eating gave me a way to stop the always present hum of worry, it really rang true.



She mentioned that in college, some of her worst binge eating happened when she was procrastinating school work.  Let's suffice it to say that I identified with this.  While I'm not taking a class this eight-week term, I finished one a few weeks ago, and I am fully aware that I eat to put off doing homework.  School is easy for me, and I always know I can put it off until the last minute and still get it done, and still get an A.  So even tho I know I should get things done before the deadline, I never, ever do.  If the deadline is Sunday at midnight, you'll often find me completing my work at 11:45 pm.  It's just how I roll.  We also talked about how I procrastinate difficult conversations, or tasks I don't want to do at work, etc.  It's really an all-purpose procrastination tool.

She asked me "If you woke up tomorrow, and this eating issue was gone, what would you have to do/face/talk about, that you are avoiding or procrastinating now?"  And while I don't yet fully have the answer to that, I hope to figure it out.

It's time for me to go to bed, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.  We talked about more than just these reasons, and I'll write more about these tomorrow.  I'm processing a lot of this stuff right now.  And my "homework" between now and Wednesday when I see her again is to finish my list, and think more about this stuff...  I'm not sure I could NOT think about it even if I wanted to.

Outdoor running rocks.

Ah...  spring seems to be here, at least temporarily.  And I'm loving it.  I have run outside the last three days in a row!  Love Love Love Love.  In addition to this, I've given myself permission to run only a few miles. Lately, I've wanted to run 4-5 miles at a time, and when I didn't really feel like running that far or have time for that, I just opted to not run.  I felt like if I couldn't go for 4-5 miles, then it wasn't even worth going at all.  Which is total and utter bullshit, but it was what I was doing.  So, I've decided to just make it ok to only run 30 minutes, or whatever. 2-3 miles HAS to be better than a big fat 0.  This has vastly improved my likelihood of running.  And sometimes, like yesterday, I told myself it was ok to go out for 3 miles, and I ended up doing nearly 4 because it felt good.  Plus, my neighbor has been up for running...  and having a buddy always helps.  Much more fun to me.

What I'm not loving is my eating patterns.  I bought a bag of easter candy (jelly beans) and ate most of them at work.  It was like I couldn't stop, and the idea of throwing them away to get rid of them make me anxious and pissy.  What is wrong with me?  Why did I even buy them?  I know good and well what is going to happen.

The good news is that I have plenty of fodder for my therapy appointment on Thursday.

Mojo gets up and dusts itself off

So...  I met with my neighbor to run today, and we ran for 40-45 min, and it was glorious.  Abso-frickin-lutely glorious.  Sunny and in the 60's.  We liked it so much we are doing it again tomorrow!  Maybe, just maybe, my mojo is dusting itself off.  Let's hope!  It felt good to run, good to get out in the sunshine, and good to be just doing it.

We got new bedroom furniture today.  I big-fat-puffy-heart it.  I'm going to take some pictures tomorrow when the sun is shining and if they look ok, I'll share one!  I really feel like an honest to god grown-up now.  Our bedroom looked like a college dorm before this!  So this is fabulous.  My living room is still full of random crap from our room, tho.  Hee-hee!

Tomorrow I'm baking cookies to send to my sister-in-law.  She's had a rough few months, and there are only two things I know how to do that will guarantee a smile from someone. Bake, and sew.  I'm going to do both.  I'm going to make chocolate chip cookies, except I'm going to use Easter M&Ms.  There is nothing healthy about these cookies, folks.  Zip.  Zilch.  Nada.  But fuckin-A, they are good.  I'm sure I'll have some dough, followed by some cookies.  But hopefully my intent of mailing them will keep me (us, really!) out of them too much.

Speaking of bags...  I know this blog isn't really about them, but I made myself a fun bag this last week, and I finally took pics of it tonight.  It came out super-fab.

I had a binge-y day on Saturday.  I bought Starburst Jelly Beans, because I'm apparently deluding myself that I'll have a handful and save the rest for later.  That only works if later = 20 seconds later.  Which I guess it technically does...  But yeah.  That bag was gone before the end of the day.  And while DH ate some, I pretty much demolished them on my own.  Then that night, I overate peanuts.  That one was due to real hunger (at least at the beginning of it).  Then I overate at dinner.  So not a real winning day.  I will chat with my therapist about it on Thursday when I meet with her again.

I'm working on not beating myself up.  I mean, it doesn't accomplish anything.  So yeah.  I'm going to try to stop doing that.  Maybe if I can work on the inner monologue stuff, I can see behavior change?  That's the theory, right?

It's like my running mojo got ran over by a bus

It's just not there.  I can't get excited about it.  I know we all go thru periods like this, but it's kind of sucking the life out of me.  In my mind, I know that if I just make myself get out there I'll feel like 8 million bucks when I'm done.  And the weather has been positively glorious this week.  I have no (good) excuse aside from flat out laziness.  GAH.  I'm sick of feeling like this. 

Could someone please come kick my ass? 

I've been setting my alarm to get up and run at 5:00 am, but I, without fail, reset the alarm for 6:00 am every morning.  I go to bed too late, so I'm not in any mood to get my ass out of bed that early.  Hell, I'm not ready to get up at 6:00!  I need to figure out how to make getting to sleep earlier a habit, and a priority.  Part of the problem is that my DH is a night owl, and when he comes to bed he wants to watch TV for a bit.  And he watches the most annoying loud shit at bed time.  Like Family Guy.  Not a quiet show.  I don't want to be that giant bitch wife who is like "I know I've been ok with this for 10+ years, but I'm no longer allowing TV in our room."  Um, no.  It's not fair to ask him to totally change because I have decided to totally change.  We need to find a happy medium.  Maybe we go to bed and watch TV, but we do it earlier?  I'm not sure.  Maybe I can convince him to enjoy quiet, boring shows?  That seems pretty damn unlikely.  :D 

I found a core workout for runners that I want to try...  I know my core is weak.  Not only does it look like a jiggly bouncy house floor, it doesn't even have a good base underneath it!  It's all stuff I can do right now, even without being able to put pressure on my wrist.  I shall start this bad boy tonight. 

Oh, we've been loving the Griddler!  I may make breakfast paninis tonight!  How fun and tasty is that? 

Killer Spin, Session Two, and job frustrations

You know that feeling of dragging your ass out of bed, even when all you want to do is throw the covers back on and sleep for about eight more hours?  Yeah.  I had that this morning.  However, I also had a Spin class to teach.  So I drug my sorry butt out of bed and into workout clothes.  Off I went to class.  We tore it up.  Climbs, sprints, the works.  It's amazing what a 45 minute workout will do for your state of mind.  I walked out of the gym feeling energized and ready for the day.  Gotta love the instant pick me up you get from endorphins.  All of this SHOULD propel me out of bed on the mornings when I don't teach.  Yet somehow, it does not.  I love having my workout done for the day.  I'm less stressed all day, because I'm not mentally trying to work something in after work, in the evening, at lunch, etc.  Plus, it is crazy nice to come home and know that I have free time to sew, veg out, read my book, or even watch tv!

Tonight is my second session with my therapist.  That is weird to say:  My Therapist.  She gave me some homework.  An additional questionnaire to fill out and a chapter to read from a book.  I'm most of the way done with all of that, so I should be all set.  I'm hoping for another good session. 

I'm frustrated at work.  Who isn't, nowadays, right?  I feel like I want to do something fitness-y or health-y, or get into teaching somehow.  Not teaching little kids (shoot me) but teaching at a college level.  I don't really know what to do to make either of them happen.  Aside from win the lottery.  Which would be super fantastic.  I don't even need to win a BIG lottery.  A cool mil would do the trick. 

Such a relief

I've done enough whining about my wrist lately, that it should come as no surprise that when I got my splint off I was ECSTATIC.  One of the things I hadn't been able to do in four weeks was sew.  I felt like I was positively bursting with creative energy.  It was dying to get out, but I couldn't do a damn thing with it.  I finally sewed a pillow for the couch, because it was square and straight.  That was just a tiny taste of what was on the inside.

But then, as I sat in my messy guest room sewing room, I was kind of paralyzed by not knowing where to start.  I have two outstanding orders, plus a gift to get done, but none of it was flowing.  If you've ever suffered from writer's block, or something similar, you know how it feels.  It's there, you want it to be there, but you just CAN'T.  So frustrating.  But I dived in to a pattern I was reviewing for someone, and whipped out a cute bag.  Now the juices are going, and I'd like to stay up all night sewing.  I'd like to call in sick to work for about a week to sew.

Frickin' job.

So Texas Roadhouse was delicious!  I managed to only eat one roll (it was all buttery goodness).  We all split a couple appetizers, and then I got a 6 oz filet, with a baked potato and salad.  All in all, not too bad.    I love a good filet mignon.  (one of the reasons I'm not a bona fide hippie chick is because I have no desire to give up red meat or be a vegetarian!)  Mmmmm...

I was reading another blog (I wish I could remember which one!) and this gal uses a Griddler to make paninis.  I must have been hungry when I read that blog, because I ordered one on Amazon that very same day.  :D  I just made the most awesome paninis on there for dinner!!  Sourdough rolls, gouda and mozzarella cheese, shaved black forest ham, plus onions and red peppers and a little honey mustard.  I paired it with oven fries.  OMG.  I'm probably going to make these every night this week!  What yummy food are you digging this week?

Speaking of therapy...

My other form of therapy is exercise.  I have started the last two days off with a vigorous workout, and it always sets my frame of mind for the day.  In a good way.  I feel strong, sweaty, and fit.  Which is a seriously kick ass combo :D

Yesterday I went to a class at Qi Ryders downtown.  I bought  LivingSocial deal a while ago, and I still have two classes to go thru.  Yesterday was supposed to be a 60 minute ride with an instructor my friend and I really like.  Instead, it was a Mountain Warrior class, with a new gal.  The class itself is great, it's like 40 minutes of biking followed by some circuit/core training.  However, we were both looking forward to a full on 60 ride.  And, I can't do most of the stuff in the core/circuit part, due to my wrist.  I don't have the splint anymore, but I cannot do weight bearing, impact, or real bendy stuff with it for another month.  So my friend and I improvised during that part, doing plank on our elbows, crunches, wall sit, calf raises, etc.  She was a good sport about hanging back with me so I wasn't all by myself.  While it wasn't the workout I expected, it was still good!  Some of the things done in the ride part of the class are not things I would ever teach in a class (my Spinning certification specifically says not to do this stuff because it isn't safe), but I still got in a decent workout.

Today, I met my neighbor for a run.  She hasn't run in a while, and my legs are pretty sore from yesterday, so we took a few walk breaks, but it was a great way to start a Sunday.  I dropped her off at her house and did a couple more miles.  All told, I was out for about an hour.  It was a wee bit chilly, but not too bad for 8:30 am this time of year!  Now it's time for a nice, long hot shower...  one of my favorite things about working out outside in the winter.  Aaaaaahhhh.

Food wise, I have felt ok most of the week.  The older gal who works part time at our front desk brought in treats on friday, and they are one of my most favorite things ever.  They are these ridiculous concoctions made with corn flakes, corn syrup, peanut butter and chocolate.  So I had three of them spread across the day.  I certainly could have lived without them, but DAMN, they were good!  Yesterday was tough for me as well, but that is all of my own doing.  I need to get groceries.  We have a serious lack of stuff to eat in this house.  We had lunch (homemade BBQ pork sandwiches and oven fries), then DH asked me if I wanted to go for ice cream.  I'm not sure I've ever, in my whole life, said no to ice cream.  We got mini blizzards.  I love the fact that they now make a tiny size of these.  It's still probably 350 calories, but that's half of a small one.  The thing about me and blizzards is that I can (and will) eat whatever size is in front of me.  I could eat a large one, sadly.  But if I get a mini one, I am totally happy.  The ice cream in and of itself isn't the end of the world for sure.  It was super tasty!  We ended up ordering pizza for dinner, due to the above mentioned lack of real food in the house.  So today, one of the items atop my TO DO list is to get groceries.

We are invited to lunch with DH's sister and kids, and we are going to Texas Roadhouse.  Land of steak and dinner rolls.  GAH.  So good.  Those dinner rolls are ridiculous.  And they will keep bringing then out until you say stop.  And, I'll be facing some of the issues I talked to my therapist about.  So while I haven't learned any coping techniques just yet, I suspect it will all be in the forefront of my head...

Therapy. Huh.

So, therapy?  Not as scary as I thought.  The gal I'm seeing managed to put me at ease right away.  It felt weird to begin with, to just ramble on about myself, but before I knew it, our time was up!  (That sounded like it was right out of some movie)

We are meeting again next week.  I'm excited, hopeful, and I have a sense of calm.  Like, we ate dinner after I got home, and I haven't once gotten up and looked for something else to eat.  Normally, I prowl around the kitchen like a god damned starving hyena, but tonight I sat in peace, covered in my electric fleece blanket, with two kitties perched about, and didn't even think about food.  Which is a startling development.

I mean, I'm sure this feeling will last until I feel stressed, anxious, sad, mad, etc...  But this kind of calm and peace is rare in my head, and this kind of behavior is absolutely not the norm.  I very much want to build upon this.

She asked me tonight... "If you set aside the binge eating and emotional eating, would you feel good about your relationship with food?"  And I could resolutely say YES.  I mean, that seems like a no-brainer, right?  But it was kind of a light bulb moment.

(I wrote that yesterday, and couldn't decide if I was going to post it)

Spin-a-ram-a-lama-ding-dong

This morning I had a solid group of 8 students.  I'm definitely getting "regulars" to my classes, and I love it a ridiculous amount.  This weekend I hope to sit down and work out a few new Spinning profiles to throw into the rotation.  With this many regulars, I don't want to re-use my profiles too often.  I also need to find some new songs to toss into the mix.  It can't be All-Lady-Gaga-All-The-Time.  Well, it could be...  but you know, people will probably revolt eventually! 

Anyhoo, class this morning was great!  I think I gave them a good workout, and I chatted with a couple of the really friendly folks.  I'm going to see if one gal wants to get together to run with me on Sunday.  I love having a running buddy.  I'm about 800x less likely to skip if I'm meeting someone.  Like it would have to be seriously cold, or snowy before I'd cancel.  Whereas, if it's just me, I totally wuss out.  I am sure that says something about how I treat myself, how I am not accountable to me, etc...  What can ya do, right?

Oh.  Right.  Go talk to someone about it.  D'oh!  Tonight is my first appointment, and I'd be a giant lying sack of crap if I told you I wasn't nervous.  I am.  I'm pre-filling the paperwork for the appointment, and I'm wondering what it's going to be like.  Will I cry?  (probably, I'm a cryer, and I've already cried once today (a work thing, which is doubly horrifying))  Will she wonder WTF my deal is, and why I am there?  (I hope not)  Will she tell me stuff I don't want to hear?  Will I leave there thinking therapy is utter bullshit?  (I hope not)  So many unknowns. So I'm going to wile away the afternoon, trying to distract myself from the annoying little voice in my head that is telling me this won't help me, and that I should just give up and be happily plump for the rest of my life.  SHUT UP, BITCH!  (the voice is the bitch in question, not me :D)

4/16, Waiting on Dinner, and this m*therf*cking wrist brace

I didn't make it up at 5 am to run, but I did it when I got home, despite all my best efforts to procrastinate it further.  See below:

That's magic-fun-faster-pixie dust on there, not regular old boring dust.

So it's done.  Now I wish someone would feed me.  I'm hungry.  And my DH is in the basement on a skype call for his software.  I need something I can whip up, and have it be fine until whenever he is done.

I'm ready to stuff this motherfucking wrist brace up someone's ass.  It's annoying.  It's a PITA.  I can't sew, I can hardly operate utensils, my handwriting has suffered greatly.  And to really rub salt in the wounds, it still hurts when I take the brace off and bend my wrist.  I have an appointment with my ortho guy on Thursday, but CRIPES I'm sick of this crap.  The brace is itchy, hot, and disgusting after a spin workout.  I washed it on Saturday because it was literally full of sweat.  How grody is that?  I take it off to run, but I have to wear it when I spin, or I end up bending it and leaning on it.  So, while I know there are starving kids in Africa who have it much worse than I do, I'm still going to bitch about it.  So there.