Thursday, May 5, 2011

fake it till you make it

That's what this post is attempting to do.  I'm going to try to focus on the positive stuff so that I don't get stuck in the big negative (work-related fuck up, that I've been crying about since my boss talked to me) void that is my head right now.

I had a simply fabulous weekend in Cinci with my imaginary running friends.  I slept (next to, really) with three hot women.  I drank some wine.  We ate good food.  And it rained.  A lot.  I did a good job of not beating myself up about my lack of training, and therefore lack of running in this race.  I have started to be more ok with not needing to run 13.1+ miles in order to be a real runner.  It's still a work in progress, fo shizzle, but I enjoyed not running in the rain, I can tell ya that.

I had an opportunity to hang out with my friend Gingerbread (that's her imaginary running friend name, not her parent-given name :D) and I love being in her presence.  She is the most comfortable-in-her-own-skin person I have ever met.  Being around her more would be very very good for me.  I shacked up with her the night before the race, so that our racers could get good sleep, and so that she and I could spectate together the next day.  Her hotel room was rad.  I kind of wanted to move in there.  My other imaginary running friends were fun, funny, and awesome, and I'm so damn grateful they are in my life.

Therapy last night was good.  I love the feeling I have when I leave there.  I feel a bit freer (is that even a word?) as I jauntily walk to my car.  The lack of judgement by my therapist is fabulous.  And while I realize that if she were judgy, she'd be a shitty therapist, it's still nice!  I'm working on a number of things right now:

  • Trying not to be as black and white (I screwed up at work, but this does not mean I should be fired or that I suck at everything, allegedly) about a lot of things.
  • Riding the anxiety/worry/sadness wave, knowing that it will go back down, and that I don't have to binge or overeat to make the feelings go away.  They will get there on their own.  Promise.  I should have a sign made to hang on my computer, my fridge, and my bathroom mirror.  
  • Mindful eating.  This is one of those subjects that I've always thought was pretty much a load of utter shit, but I'm coming around.  Yesterday, as I was working, and shoveling trail mix into my mouth in a started-out-hungry-ended-up-distracting-myself-from-a-dreaded-upcoming-meeting feeding frenzy, I looked down and realized how much trail mix I'd eaten without any real recollection of it, other than it was something to DO, both in general and with my hands.  So maybe there is something to this mindful, stopping to enjoy your food thing.  Maybe.  
  • I need to go buy toys to occupy my hands.  While talking to my therapist, without realizing it, I described three incidents where I actually verbalized that I needed something to do with my hands because of nerves or whatever.  So we are going shopping this weekend for something fun to play with at work.  For home, I'm going to buy coloring books.  My friend Katrina will love this... I shared with my therapist that when we were in college and needed a distraction we would color.  In kids' coloring books.  So I'm going to buy some more adult ones (they have super fun ones now) to color in at home.  And when I say "adult ones" please know I'm not going to wear out my peach colored crayon coloring in wenises and boobies.  I mean stuff like this:

  • there may or may not be actual paisley in there
  • A Chip Challenge.  Specifically, a Cheeto challenge.  I love those neon orange bits of crunchy goodness.  So.Much.  But I never, ever have them.  I don't buy them, I don't think about them, I don't even entertain the notion of being able to control myself around them.  I know it just doesn't happen.  But...  as we have discovered thru this therapy process, legalizing food and eating it when it sounds good goes a long ways towards preventing a binge and making it not seem like the binge is the last time I ever ever ever get to have this food.  It's definitely working with ice cream.  I actually turned down an ice cream run the other night because I genuinely didn't want any.  That is a first, folks.  So anyhoo, we are going to attempt this with cheetos.  Since I lost weight, I cut out chips & their evil cousin cheetos, under the assumption that I can't hack it.  When I am at a party with chips, I gorge myself on them, like a dying woman who will never see the bright orangey cheesy light again.  So I'm purposefully getting some portion controlled cheetos at lunch when we go to subway.  Baby steps.  
I feel like I am missing something here, but it will come to me.  

So right now I'm blogging instead of scrounging for something to eat, while I ride the anxiety wave back down.  I'm hungry, since it's 9:13 pm and I have not eaten dinner, but I'm almost afraid to make something for fear of opening a giant Pandora's box of binge eating.  I'm going to have to eat something soon, however.  I'm hoping the wave will have subsided by then.


  1. "I'm not going to wear out my peach colored crayon coloring in wenises and boobies."