Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A rough weekend

My folks and my sister came out to visit this past weekend.  It was awesome to be around my family, who I miss dearly.  We had a great time, with lots of laughing, some shopping, some sight seeing, and plenty of eating.

I did do well with not comparing myself to my sister, who is losing weight.  I'm thrilled for her, and she totally deserves good things in her life.

I did not do well with restraining myself around foods like brownies, chips, candy, etc.  We planned our meals and went grocery shopping, and we planned a variety of foods which were reasonable and relatively healthy.  However, what got me was simply having an open bag of chips in front of me.  And being cooped up in the back of the car with brownies.  And having leftover candy sitting around.

So.  Chips.  My mortal nemesis.  I swear to God, I could eat them non-stop all day long.  Sadly.  I found myself grabbing some when I was cooking (hungry) or when I was passing the time (boredom) or wanting them when I was hurtling down the side of the mountain in the very back seat of the vehicle (anxiety and trying to fend off sleepiness).  So, I didn't win all the battles.  But the one chip battle I won was today when I got home.  There were three partial bags of chips on my counter, and I tossed them in the trash because I don't need them, and don't even really want them, but I know that at some point I won't be able to stay out of them.

Brownies.  Ah, brownies.  Ironically, I don't like most brownies.  I do, however, LOVE my brownies.  I made a pan of them to take with us on our sightseeing trip up to Grand Lake on Sunday.  We took mom's fried chicken, potato salad, chips, and brownies.  Hard core picnic food.  Which we ate on a chilly picnic table while being slightly snowed upon!  :D  It was fun!  However, as the most bendy and smallest in our group, I took the 3rd row seating spot in the Explorer during the trip.  What that meant is that I was completely cooped up next to a pan of brownies and bags of chips.  I was super sleepy at some point, and I was sorely tempted to snack to stay awake.  In fact, truth be told, I feel sure that at least one brownie was a direct result of trying not to fall asleep.  However, others were a result of boredom and anxiety.  We traveled back home over a snowy mountain pass, on windy roads, with lots of bumping around and iffy (to me) conditions.  I was super anxious (I am a nervous nelly in the car), and I definitely ate to fend off those thoughts and emotions.  I was pretty aware of it at one point, and I put the brownies away and focused on reading my book.

Leftover candy.  Well, this one didn't get me until today when I got home from work.  I couldn't stop thinking about the leftover reese's pieces eggs in my cupboard.  The kind with a hard candy shell and PB filling.  Little tiny balls of sweet crack.  I finished what was left when I got home, before dinner.  I feel shitty about it now.  I was hungry, and I was waiting dinner a bit on my DH who had some other things to do first.  Would it have killed me to have an apple instead?  JEEBUS.  The relief of the candy being gone (even tho I stuffed it in my mouth, versus throwing it out or giving it away) is palpable.  Right now I'm not feeling any desire to graze or wander around the kitchen.  Is it because I'm not hungry (we ate dinner) or is it because those damn eggs are gone?  Or is it because I'm feeling ok right now?  I'm not really sure.

I also had a bit of a meltdown again on Sunday night.  WTF is wrong with me?  It was over something that happened with my DH, and I couldn't stop crying about it.  That turned into a marathon self-loathing session, complete with taking a shower to mask my free flowing tears.  I laid in bed thinking about being a failure for a very, very long time.  Apparently I didn't sleep it off, because DH asked me the next morning if I'd been crying.  While reasonably, I understand I'm not a giant fuck up, I feel differently in my heart sometimes.  I have a good job, a husband I love, two kitties who adore me, and three nieces who think I'm the SHIT.  My family loves me, and I don't want for much.  I am smart, and I should feel like the world is my god damned oyster.  But...  I do not.

I feel like I'm failing at work.  My boss definitely has high standards, and I feel like I'm constantly falling short of them.  Details and double (or triple) checking things are not my strength.  Creativity, innovation, helping people, and learning are my super strengths.  I feel like I've settled in to this job that pays just enough I can't just say "FUCK IT" and leave.  I want to go back to school for SOMETHING.  But I really don't know what that would be.  I feel like my current master's degree comes with a big fat asterisk next to it because it came from DeVry (Keller), which is a for-profit school.  And while I learned tons, I am extremely aware that sometimes those degrees are viewed as not the equivalent of something from a more traditional university.  So I have this sort of fake master's degree that my boss doesn't see value in, and I'm paid just enough I feel like I'm stuck, yet I'm underpaid by our department's standards.  I feel like I deserve more money, but there is no more available (I've had this conversation with my boss, and I know that it's true).  I'm super frustrated that at 33, I still don't have a clue what I should be doing, professionally.  I've been in my current position for 5 years, and with this employer over 9 years.  It doesn't feel like there is any real room for the stuff I love about my job because I'm overwhelmed with daily tasks.  I can't get to the fun, challenging stuff because of the (literally) hundreds of emails I get every day.  And I'm bored with much of what I'm doing.  It's not exciting, it's not fun, and it's tedious to me.

I feel like I'm failing at home because I caught myself (this is the meltdown material) jumping to conclusions about my DH, and I think I must land on him as critical a lot.  I hate this.  I don't want to be that wife.  I don't want to be that person.  When I'm truly intending to be helpful, I think I am appearing critical.  I don't often know when to shut up, offering advice or feedback on something, when maybe he just wants to vent.  I like to fix things, and make things ok, and I attempt to do this before I even realize what I've done or said.  I definitely hurt DH's feelings this weekend, and I really really hate that.  I wonder if I walk around wounding people all the time.  I've seen my brother and sister exchange side-long glances when I talk about things sometimes, and it seems like they are thinking "There goes Miss Know-It-All again!"  I realize I'm writing that story, but I think there is a big fat grain of truth in there.

I feel like a failure at this whole therapy business, and getting ahold of my issues.  I want to be better, now.  I guess I need more permission to be not perfect.

I'm failing miserably at working out right now.  And I know I talked about not being black or white about it in my last post, but I STRUGGLE with that.  A lot.  Constantly.  So I do nothing instead of everything.  It's like I don't know what "middle ground" means sometimes.

The silver lining here is that I have a lot to talk about at therapy tomorrow.


  1. You just vocalized what goes on in my head. I walk around thinking that I'm the only one with issues - everyone else out there looks so put together and they seem to know what they are doing, so how the hell am I so damn lost??? It's something I grapple with daily. Hourly. Constantly.

    I can tell you what I know about you. You are most certainly NOT a failure. You are one of the strongest women I know. Look at you! You went back to school (and Keller is not a school to disregard - you should be very proud of yourself!), you kick ASS out there running and doing healthy stuff. Yes, you'd like to drop some lbs but you've lost 70 which is an amazing accomplishment. You're a wonderful friend (one of my favorite, I might add) and no doubt an amazing wife. We all say things to other people that make us sound like know-it-alls or say things which might be taken as hurtful to others or to ourselves. You're not the only one to do it.

    I hate that you're hurting and I would do anything to make you feel better. If you need me to throat punch anyone, please let me know. I'm there for you sister. Love you!!!

  2. Jeez... :)

    The throat punching offer is what really makes me know we're pals :)

    Love you!