Sunday, April 17, 2011

Structureless days suck

Ah, these are the days that are rough for someone who tends to overeat or binge when she is bored or needing distraction.

Yesterday wasn't great, but wasn't terrible either.  I overdid it on cookies and actually had to wake up and take some Tums.  UGH.  Today we bought a bunch of easter candy to make baskets for my nieces...  which meant leftover easter candy just SITTING THERE.    I had planned to eat a little bit of it, specifically a Reester Bunny, but I ended up eating more candy than I needed or wanted, and felt kind of icky afterwards.  Not just icky, like "I wish I hadn't eaten those calories" but icky like "If I move around too much I'm going to puke."  Good times.

Boredom.  Eating while I'm pondering.  These are long-standing habits.  Like, I've done this as long as I can remember.  I realistically can't expect to just *poof* be done with them.  My therapist told me there would be steps backwards, and I kind of feel like today and yesterday were small ones in that direction.  But, I am not going to get all worked up about it, because this is a process.  A journey, as cheesy as that sounds.

Something else that is coming up for me right now is that someone I love dearly (my sister) is losing weight.  I'm so happy for her, because she's proud of herself, and SHE SHOULD BE.  I'm feeling this weird sense of "What if everyone else loses weight and I'm still chubby?"  I mean, I lost a crapload of weight about 7 years ago (holy shit, has it really been that long?) and kept it off, but I've still got work to be done.  I have this stupid irrational fear that I'll be the fat one again if other people (not just my sister) lose weight.  I have my suspicions around why I fear this, but that is better saved for a later post...  it involves a long explanation of stuff.  And right now I'm sleepy and kind of just want to crawl into bed.  I'm vowing to be supportive and encouraging for my sister, and not let my own shit rain on her parade.  Because really, who wants shit rained down upon them?  :D

I saw my doctor on Monday about my ridiculous allergies and potential exercise induced asthma.  During this conversation, she pointed out that I was about 10 lbs heavier than last year at this time.  Which, of course, made me sad.  But she talked with me a bit about where my goal weight should be.  I'm so grateful that I have a doctor who will actually discuss weight with me.  Many of them are wary to mention it.  She said she thought 150 might be reasonable.  It probably is.  I really have no f'in idea, since the lowest I've ever weighed as an adult was about 180.  And I'm a wee bit above that (ok, about 10 lbs) right now.  So I can't even fathom 150.  My goal has always been around 155 or 160.  I suspect that will be a fit number.  But until I get a handle on my self-destructive habits, I really have no way of knowing.


  1. My heart twinged a bit when I read that you were sad because you are ten pounds heavier than last year. So many of us have been there. When that's happened to me, I feel hopeless. "I was in amazing shape two years ago, and now I'm Jabba the Hut. I have no self-control.:

    It freakin' blows.

    About that Easter candy, I hereby give you permission to dispose of any leftover candy so that you don't eat it. You're sabotaging yourself. There will always be more candy in the world. They won't stop making candy. Make your baskets (or Halloween goodies, or Christmas cookies) for other people and THROW THE REST OF THE CANDY/COOKIES/WHATEVER away. You cannot keep that shit in the house.


  2. And don't fool yourself into thinking, oh, I'll just have one piece, so I'll keep the bags around.


    Yeah, there are people who can pace themselves on sweets. They can have one or two, put it all back in the cupboard and forget about the sweets for weeks.

    You and I aren't those people.


  3. I love you, L :)

    I wish I had read this a couple hours ago. I did go thru what was left of some easter candy, and now of course I don't feel great about it.

    However, what I did do was throw away the leftover chips from my weekend company. Had I opened them at all I would have eaten my way thru all of them.