I was unsure what was going on for me the last few days. I went to therapy last night, and we used a really simple technique of walking backwards from the binges to figure it out. And lo & behold, I was able to CLEARLY see at least a part of what was going on.
It is amazing to me how easy it was to see what was going on when we walked thru it like that. I was all "Oh, well that does make sense..." D'oh! I'd identified a tiny piece of one of the mindless eating sessions (it wasn't necessarily a binge, but probably only because what I was eating only came in a pack of two, instead of a bag-ful) as being a Check-Out binge, because as I was licking the chocolate off the Reese's PB Cup wrapper, it was like I almost woke up out of a bit of a fog. I thought "Oh shit, I just did that." If I had figured out what was going on about three minutes sooner, I could have avoided it, but alas, I'm a work in progress.
Talking about this stuff, saying it out loud... it's amazing how much better I felt last night when I left my therapy appointment. My therapist is going on a two week vacation at the end of the month, and I had asked her if she had any ideas of some things I could read while she's gone, so I can stay focused. She asked me what kind of thing I thought I might like to read, and then gave me some examples. Some people like memoirs of people in recovery, others like metaphorical stuff. I'm definitely in the memoir camp, but she gave me an example of some of the metaphorical stuff, and it rang SO true... A woman had described her eating disorder as a river, raging away, taking her down a path she didn't want to go, out of control... and she equated her therapist to the rock she was clinging to in order to NOT GO down that path. Um, yeah. That is pretty accurate! While I didn't physically accost my therapist with a hug in that moment, I can't say that the desire wasn't there. I'm an odd duck, I know.