Thursday, June 9, 2011

Kind of amazing, really.

Last night was therapy again.  I'm amazed at the things that I realize while I'm sitting there on that couch.  Crazy.

So we started out our conversation like normal...  How was the past week?  The night before I'd been thinking about how not-bad it had been.  I had that evening of homesickness, where I literally told myself to ride the wave of emotions.  And aside from that, it has been a really non-obsessy week.  And even then, when I was sad and anxious, I recognized the feelings and the desire to eat to make them go away.

It is empowering to reflect and see how far I've come.  EMPOWERING.  I have known I was making some progress for a while, but it's really hard to gauge when you are in the middle of it.  But as we talked last night, I told her how little I'd worried about food, aside from what I imagine is normal...  What's for dinner tonight?  Do I have enough granola bars to pack lunches this week?  OH YUM, CHERRIES!  But all of that felt non-invasive and it didn't threaten to take over the sane part of my brain.

As I was telling her this, I then mentioned that this past week I had really come to some revelations.  I realized I truly do want to quit my day job and do something, anything, creative.  I want to make my bag business more successful.  I want to take classes to learn more graphic design and more web design.  I want to take these things that are my God-given gifts and DO SOMETHING with them.  If I could find a way to make a living doing this sort of thing, I would be so frickin' ecstatic.  That's not to say that any career is going to be perfect and completely devoid of boring, stupid stuff.  Of course not.  Even I am not so Pollyanna Sunshine that I think that.  And I hear that I'm quite the Pollyana!  :D

But if I were to change my day job from something that sometimes allows me to do something quasi creative about 30% of the time (MAX) to something that was only 30% bullshit, how amazing would that be?

Anyhoo, I digress.  After I talked about all of this, she asked me if I thought it was a coincidence that during a week where food did not preoccupy my mind all the time, I was having some big realizations, and that I was seeing things like this.  It was like I was struck dumb.  I'm like "Oh.  Huh.  How about that?"  So after I regained my powers of speech (don't worry, it never takes long) we talked about how one good week does not mean that they will all be this way...  I know she doesn't want me to set myself up for disappointment if I have a meltdown or binge my face off in the near (or distant) future.  We talked about taking steps forward, and how often they require some steps back to really GET things.  And that is ok.  Really and truly ok.

Amazing, huh?  When I cleared some shit out of my head, I was able to do something more productive and positive.  Who'd a thunk it?

Oh, and prepare yourself for another soap-box type rant tomorrow.  I'm all mellow right now, so I don't want to work myself up before bed.  But a rant, she's a comin'.  I'm going to talk about how we, as women, spend a lot of time tearing each other down, and how it's GOT TO STOP.

Seriously.  Tomorrow.  I gotta stop already or I'll be all "And then...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" to my poor DH as I go on and on about this while we lay in bed.

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