Monday, September 12, 2011

Coming out of a daze

I have had a rough month or so.  I mentioned the death of my brother's friend and comrade, and that seemed to affect me in a way that sent me into a bit of a spiral of sadness, anger, self-loathing, blah blah blah.  Good times.

I finally feel like I'm coming out of the daze.  I'm starting to feel like a normal person again.  I talked a lot to my therapist about stuff, and I think I was able to recognize some things that triggered my feelings and behaviors.  I was also able to make some changes in some things I was doing on a daily basis, and they have resulted in positive improvements.  I'm not going to go into them too much, because they are relationship oriented, and that is something I'm not really into discussing publicly.

I absolutely self-medicated with food when I was in a bad place.  Old habits jumped up and punched me in the face.  I basically stopped exercising.  I stopped doing anything good for me.  It was rough all around.  I gained some weight that I don't care for, and my fitness levels really took a big hit.

However, I've come out on the other side with some renewed faith in myself and some interesting perspectives.  I can look back (oh, hindsight, you are so clear) and see how self-destructive my behaviors were.  I've also been able to see that even tho I had a rough few weeks, I DID come out ok on the other side.  And I've also found some focus.

I've spend an ungodly number of hours beating myself up, and I've vowed to stop that.  I'm doing more reading (something that I love), I'm focusing on being stronger physically (by lifting weights), and getting my endorphin fix (short runs and spin class).  While I was in my self-hate spiral, I essentially stopped sewing and creating.  I've been much more productive in that realm lately, and it feels GOOD.

In other news, I'm currently obsessed with deciding on my next tattoo.  I want something that means something to me, and that is some sort of a reminder of this journey I'm in the middle of right now (how cliche am I?).  I need it to be colorful and bright, and important.  So as I scour websites like Pinterest and F*ck Yeah Tattoos, I'm struck by amazingly original some folks are with their ink.  And as someone with creativity practically oozing out of me, I see no reason that I shouldn't have something beautiful, colorful and meaningful on the canvas I live in.

I have lots to talk about nowadays (blogging was something I also clearly did not do during this past month, which is so dumb, because it helps me get shit out of my head), so hopefully I get back here tomorrow to talk about what I'm working on this week from therapy.

1 comment:

  1. I have been checking in to see if you had posted. I suspected that this loss took a bit of a toll. I know hard it is to deal with unexpected loss. I am glad that you are back. :) Don't beat yourself up.