It's been a while, huh?

Welp, I kind of abandoned blogging for a long while.  I don't have any specific reason, but I am going to try to return to it, since it seemed to help me get my head clear.

What's been happening in my world?  First and foremost, I changed jobs.  Thank god.  Seriously, my old job was making me a stress bunny, cranky, and unhealthy.  I was not making time for workouts, I was stress eating every single day, and I was just straight up unhappy.  Another opportunity presented itself, and I flung myself at it like without hesitation.

However, in that process, there were all sorts of emotions around leaving the people I have worked with for ten years.  So I mostly soothed myself with food and wine.  Well done, eh?  :D

Now that I've settled in to my new job a bit, I'm finding myself again.  I have some great perks at this job that are workout related, and my new boss is incredible.  Getting fit and active (again) is much easier here.  I'm working out with a personal trainer twice a week and doing yoga once a week at work.  Winner!

So let's talk about what spurred me to come back to blogging.  I've been self-reflecting a lot the last week or so.  Then this weekend I binged.  I could kind of feel the low level anxiety creeping up on me all week, and I wasn't able to put my finger on the problem.  I'm still not entirely sure.  What I do know is that a conversation with my hubby about my old job (he still works there) pushed me over that edge, and things got out of hand yesterday and again today.  :(  I, of course, don't feel good about it now.  I know that food is not the answer, and sometimes I even think it in the moment, but that doesn't seem to stop me all the time.  I was doing well with it earlier in the week, kind of stepping back from myself to observe the thought patterns and behaviors.  As I look back on the last 3-4 days right now, with my 20/20 hindsight goggles, I can totally see the wave...  let's use this sciency thing I found on the interwebs:

Ok.  I'm putting on my professor outfit right now, so be prepared for this educational piece.

So, as I look back, I can see that I had been doing well, riding along, fairly calm, at sea level.  Some minor waves, but nothing I couldn't ride.  For whatever reason, one of those got deeper.  As I was watching myself, I was descending down into the trough of the wave.  I hung out there for a bit and then started the journey up to the crest.  I could feel that build up as it was happening, and was able to stay afloat for a while...  but the discussion about my old job was apparently what pushed me to the crest of the wave, where I just couldn't take it anymore.  I then chose to use food to get the wave to break.  *sigh*

Knowing that this is a cycle, something that will happen again, I'm really focusing on being more self aware so that I can ride minor waves, keeping the wave height from getting so high that I turn to the good ol' habit of binge eating to break the crest of the wave.  I need to focus on making my wave frequency lower. I was really handling it well (relatively) for a while, and a bigger wave kind of snuck up on me.

My therapist gave me some book titles to consider reading, and I've started one of them.  I'll talk more about them in a later post, but so far I can highly relate to what I'm reading.  I want SO BADLY to get the recovery phase of this eating disorder.  I'm also trying to own this.  I do have an eating disorder.  It's not anorexia, or bulimia, but it's Binge Eating Disorder (BED).  I'm talking a lot about my struggles with some online friends in a forum I frequent, and I'm trying to keep this at the forefront of my consciousness, because it helps me be more present and be able to ride that wave better.

I'd ideally like to use this blog as a bit of a journal, not so much chronicling what I've done or eaten, but what I'm observing and learning.

Coming out of a daze

I have had a rough month or so.  I mentioned the death of my brother's friend and comrade, and that seemed to affect me in a way that sent me into a bit of a spiral of sadness, anger, self-loathing, blah blah blah.  Good times.

I finally feel like I'm coming out of the daze.  I'm starting to feel like a normal person again.  I talked a lot to my therapist about stuff, and I think I was able to recognize some things that triggered my feelings and behaviors.  I was also able to make some changes in some things I was doing on a daily basis, and they have resulted in positive improvements.  I'm not going to go into them too much, because they are relationship oriented, and that is something I'm not really into discussing publicly.

I absolutely self-medicated with food when I was in a bad place.  Old habits jumped up and punched me in the face.  I basically stopped exercising.  I stopped doing anything good for me.  It was rough all around.  I gained some weight that I don't care for, and my fitness levels really took a big hit.

However, I've come out on the other side with some renewed faith in myself and some interesting perspectives.  I can look back (oh, hindsight, you are so clear) and see how self-destructive my behaviors were.  I've also been able to see that even tho I had a rough few weeks, I DID come out ok on the other side.  And I've also found some focus.

I've spend an ungodly number of hours beating myself up, and I've vowed to stop that.  I'm doing more reading (something that I love), I'm focusing on being stronger physically (by lifting weights), and getting my endorphin fix (short runs and spin class).  While I was in my self-hate spiral, I essentially stopped sewing and creating.  I've been much more productive in that realm lately, and it feels GOOD.

In other news, I'm currently obsessed with deciding on my next tattoo.  I want something that means something to me, and that is some sort of a reminder of this journey I'm in the middle of right now (how cliche am I?).  I need it to be colorful and bright, and important.  So as I scour websites like Pinterest and F*ck Yeah Tattoos, I'm struck by amazingly original some folks are with their ink.  And as someone with creativity practically oozing out of me, I see no reason that I shouldn't have something beautiful, colorful and meaningful on the canvas I live in.

I have lots to talk about nowadays (blogging was something I also clearly did not do during this past month, which is so dumb, because it helps me get shit out of my head), so hopefully I get back here tomorrow to talk about what I'm working on this week from therapy.

Loss

A good friend of my brother and sister-in-law was killed in Afghanistan this past weekend.  He piloted the Chinook helicopter that was shot down carrying 31 armed forces.  He leaves behind a 10 year old son, a wife of about four years, and so many comrades, friends, family, and loved ones that it's astounding.  

Personally, I only met him a couple times.  But I felt like I knew him a bit more thru my brother, sister-in-law, and mom.  They all knew him well, and are reeling from this loss.  My brother and SIL served with him overseas when they were deployed nearly a decade ago, and those friendships have been so rock solid.  That whole group of soldiers has remained close, and has been there for each other constantly.  

My heart breaks into pieces when I think of his son.  Ten years old, and just days away from his dad coming home on leave.  My heart breaks when I think of his wife, who now has to face her future without the love of her life.  

This fucking war we have going on is robbing families of their loved ones non-stop.  I don't know what the answer is, but things like this sadden me immensely.  

I feel weird feeling sad about the death of a young man I barely knew, but then again I know the impact he had on three of the people I love most in this world.  

I'm not sure what all even want to accomplish in this post.  Just getting thoughts out of my head, I guess. I know that this is going to impact my family members for years to come.  I don't know how to be there for them...   I ache inside for them and the family of the deceased.  

Just a pic

Please.

Books I want to read

I'm a reader.  Always have been.  I am always reading SOMETHING, and my love for my Sony Reader is in no small part due to the fact that I can carry hundreds of books with me AT ALL TIMES.

Being a reader, it's probably no wonder that I read a billion blogs.  I recently ran across the blog Back To Her Roots, which I can relate to in so many ways.  I've been devouring her older posts, reading, nodding my head all "preach it sister!", etc.  Today I read her post where she is giving away some books written by healthy bloggers, as part of her blogiversary celebration.  Of course, I've entered the contest to win (this blog post is part of my entry!), and I'm really looking forward to reading Operation Beautiful by blogger Caitlin Boyle of Healthy Tipping Point.  I'm excited about all the books, but this one really speaks to the stuff I'm working on right now.  Truth be told, if I don't win the contest, I'm probably going to buy it myself.

I'm also getting ready to read Bossy Pants by Tina Fey.  I love her.  In fact, it's on my reader, awaiting my wandering eyes.

I sat next to a gal on an airplane a few weeks ago.  She was reading The Lolita Effect:  The Sexualization of Young Girls and What We Can Do About It.  I'm going to read this one shortly as well.  Since I have three nieces, I care about this.  A lot.  As a feminist, I care about this. A lot.

I read on the treadmill using my Reader.  That is pretty much the best way to run on the treadmill.  Ever. I can pass the time quickly while getting sucked into a book.  I mostly read fiction there.  I love funny chick lit books.  Not sappy shit (no Nicholas Sparks for me).  But stuff like Janet Evanovich, Kate Collins, and Mary Kay Andrews, etc.  Funny, some romance, some mystery, and just fun reads.  I always say I'm going to make myself get on the treadmill to read, but let's be honest...  I'm not going to restrict my reading.  No frickin' way.

To tie this post together nicely, several years ago, when my oldest niece was probably in first grade, my SIL gave me something she had drawn & written at school.  On it, she had drawn two people, one big, one small (her and me), holding hands.  Below it, she wrote "I want to be like my Ant."  Which, in and of itself, is heart-melting.  So her teacher asked her why she wanted to be like her Aunt.  Her response?  "She likes to read a lot and ride her bike."  Be still my beating heart.  If there were life lessons I would want to impart upon the impressionable kids in my life, reading and being active are two of the top ones. ::insertloveysmileyhere::

Inspiration from my soulmate

Have I talked about my soulmate?

No, not my husband.  He's a different kind of soulmate.  The kind I get to get dirty with.  Which is kind of confusing, since I got dirty with my other kind of soulmate this weekend at the Warrior Dash.  But I'm talking about different dirties and different soulmates here people.  Keep up, FFS!

:D

So anyhoo, my hubs and I are soulmates in the doin'-it-like-bunnies sense.  I started to type out thar the is my soulmate in the romantic sense, but we are less romantic and more smart-assed, so that didn't sound right.

But let's talk about my other soulmate.  The hubs actually dubbed her as my soulmate, so I don't feel bad about this.

Have you ever read Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maude Montgomery?  Well, if you haven't, the rest of this may not make any sense at all.  And you should go check that book out from the library.  Seriously.  Go do it right now.  It's one of the best books ever, and it has a big giant place in my childhood and heart.  I have read that book and seen the PBS movies MANY times.  It's the only book I can think of where the movie version didn't suck donkey balls.  In fact, I read the book not too long ago, because I had given a copy to my oldest niece for Christmas, and it reminded me how much I wanted to read it again.

Go read this book.  NOW.

So, in this book, a young orphan named Anne (spelled with an E, thankyouverymuch) comes to live with an unlikely couple of folks, thru an unusual set of circumstances.  Her neighbor across the way, Diana, is a girl her age, but very much (physically) unlike her.  They meet and instantly become fast, lifelong friends.  Anne refers to herself and Diana as kindred spirits.  They knew right away that they were meant to be friends.  And they remained friends forever.

I knew instantly that Bobbi Jo and I were going to be best buds.  We just clicked.  And of course, I, the nerdy bookworm,  thought of Anne of Green Gables and her kindred spirit Diana.  I just couldn't help but think of how Bobbi Jo is my kindred spirit, because we share so many interests, and she is just easy to be with.  As I was trying to relate this to my hubby one day, he was giving me this confused look, because as a dude, he did not grow up reading Anne of Green Gables.  In fact *gasp* he had never even heard of it.  Sinner.  Anyhoo...  he started referring to Bobbi Jo as my soulmate after I gave him this long drawn out description of her being my kindred spirit.

So after all of that, I wanted to talk about how she has inspired me lately.  She is fabulous.  And I love being in her presence, because I feel normal and less weird than usual.  We both like to run, we both used to be much heavier, we both like to read, we are both crazy about NFL football, and we just like the same stuff.  We laugh at the same stuff.  We married guys who are scarily similar.  And here's the kicker...  I "met" her online.  On a running forum.  And the first time I met her for reals, it was like we'd been besties since childhood.  We've now been to each others' homes for long weekends, done a few races together, and we text, email, and facebook all the time.  At the risk of sounding like a total stalker, she's just fucking fabulous.  And I want to make her stuff like friendship bracelets and inspirational flat rocks.  I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

Wonder what the hell I was talking about?  Tada.  Inspirational Flat Rocks.

This weekend, while we were just hanging out after the Warrior Dash, she cooked some incredible, healthy, fresh food for our meals.  It was amazing.  She took the time to make this nutritious food.  And when someone cares enough to make fabulous, nourishing food for me, I get all warm and fuzzy inside.  I've gotten ridiculously lazy when it comes to food lately.  There is no reason for it, other than I guess I want things to be easy & fast all the time.  But the amazing food she made was simple and delicious, and it reminded me of how much I used to enjoy cooking and trying new things.  

I can do that.  Why can't I?  I don't have kids, I have the time.  And investing time in ME, with nourishing real foods is an investment that will pay back a billion times over.  So I'm going to take a page out of my soulmate's book, and work on taking more time to cook nourishing, healthy meals for myself and my hubby.  Tonight I marinated and grilled chicken breasts, steamed edamame, and baked some potatoes.  Nothing crazy or gourmet, but nourishing, fresh, healthy, and tasty.

What a concept.

Warrior Lessons

I did the Warrior Dash today in KC.

Oh my, did I ever have lessons to take away from this puppy.

First, I learned that I am not a fan of heat, humidity and hills.  The three Hs of Hell.  Frickin' A.  I never run outside in the heat, and we just don't have humidity in Colorado.  And in order to find a hill to train on, I have to actually drive.into.the.mountains.  Needless to say, this wasn't my greatest performance.  But in reality, I wasn't trying to set any land speed records.  I had some moments of doubt about even finishing, due to feeling pretty nauseous and fainty.  But that was close to the end, so I finished.  The best part, hands down, was the ending mud pit.  It was cool, compared to the oppressive heat.  Plus, I mean, who doesn't love to get filthy?

Me (on the right) and my soulmate Bobbi Jo, the aftermath

Second, I learned that I am doing the comparison thing in my head NON-STOP.  I couldn't seem to stop the annoying conversation in my head.  Am I fatter than that girl?  I look like a giant lardo compared to the two other girls I'm running with.  Do I look like that?  Why can't I look like THAT?

Third, I learned that nothing, and I mean nothing, feels as good as that shower did today.  Holy moly was I dirty.  It took some major scrubbing to get my feet clean.

Fourth, I learned that this was hard.  Way harder than I expected.  What this means is that I will not get talked into a much longer version of this sort of thing by my crazy-ass brother.  No f-ing way.

My crazy-ass brother, bravehearting it

Fifth, I learned that I want to do more races with my brother.  Even tho he runs nearly literally twice as fast as me.  It's just a fun bonding experience.

Ok, I'm off to try and not over-analyze all the pics, to determine how terrible I look.  :D